What is Romance in Entertainment Teaching Teen Girls?

The perfect man is blond, immature, and likes sparkly unicorns.

The perfect man is dark, broody, and has skeletons in his closet.

The perfect man defies authority, drives a fast car, and is loose with the ladies.

Any of these messages sound familiar? They’re inserted into a lot of popular fiction these days. It’s pretty darn easy to spot a love interest the moment he pops onto the page. He’s probably good-looking, extremely physically affectionate, shows up shirtless a few times, and is either overtly open about his feelings or a hard-on-the-outside-marshmallow-on-the-inside type.

I don’t like Keepers of the Lost Cities, (KOTLC,) for several reasons. But one of the biggest problems I have with it is its portrayal of romantic relationships. To start with, the teen years are not the time for romance — let that wait until you’re mature and ready to marry. But as most of the world doesn’t adhere to that philosophy, I’ll discuss some finer points.

Endlessly throughout the series, the MC Sophie vacillates between the various guys she encounters. One she discards because when she kisses him, it doesn’t feel ‘right.’ As if a kiss and all the emotions that happen to be spiraling in your head at the moment are some sort of perfect-match-o-meter. Conveniently, he later turns out to be her cousin and drops out of the running for ‘the one.’

The next boy’s hot and charming, but clearly has some anger issues that would devolve into an abusive relationship if the two ever actually moved past trite nothings and got married. Our third chap is, well, a loser. WAY too vocal about his emotions, immature, a prankster, and would definitely not be the one wearing the pants in the future. 

Frankly, this is a symptom of how our culture is trying to feminize men. Masculinity is attacked, fatherlessness is becoming a crisis, and entertainment in general is promoting soft, unmanly men. I was struck by this in particular when reading Stephen Lawhead’s Song of Albion trilogy. It was written in the 90s and contains very manly characters. And they’re not manly just because they’re Celtic warriors, they’re manly because they build and protect and provide and are tough and treat women chivalrously. Lawhead’s characters go through some serious hardships, but they man up and face them. They lead armies, fight evil, and found cities because it is their God-given duty to lead and provide and protect. Ditto for such figures as Aragorn, Faramir, Captain Smollet, and more from an age when tough manliness was respected.

And yet, according to popular teen fiction, who cares if the guy can lead, if he can protect you and provide for your family? As long as he’s hot and you feel you’re in love with him, he’s the one. Bonus points if he has a sense of humor and carries you out of a burning building.

What does stuff like that say about the sort of person teenage girls should be looking for? What does it say about marriage in general?

Is it all about finding that ‘special one,’ that ‘soulmate?’ Do you know he’s the right guy when he makes you sparkly pins, sets off fireworks in your tummy, or turns out to have some tragic backstory that pulls on your heartstrings? That last, by the way, is another toxic trope that has permeated YA fiction. Often, the love interest is dark and broody — a bad boy, as it’s come to be known. But ‘missionary dating’ is a terrible idea, and this should certainly not be promoted as good in fiction. In the words of Dostoevsky’s sinister, womanizing Svidrigailov,

“…she did at last feel pity for me, pity for a lost soul. And if once a girl’s heart is moved to pity, it’s more dangerous than anything. She is bound to want to ‘save him’, to bring him to his senses, and lift him up and draw him to nobler aims, and restore him to new life and usefulness — well, we all know how far such dreams can go. I saw at once that the bird was flying into the cage of herself.”

That sort of relationship is always a trap. No doubt you’re familiar with that oft-used metaphor in Christian circles of pulling someone down from atop a chair versus pulling someone up with you. It’s true, however. Bad company corrupts good morals.

One of the things that struck me about Mistborn — not even a Christian series — was its romantic subplot. When Elend walked into the ballroom, I immediately pegged him as ‘the one.’

And then he ignored Vin. Didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with her romantically – or at all. Certainly wasn’t girly. He even gave her snark! He had some dark secrets in his past, but so did she, and neither used it to manipulate the other.

It was fantastic. A man with a personality. A man struggling to figure out how to lead. An heir, a revolutionary, a man searching for the good. A manly man. And a female who wasn’t flirting and simpering. A couple that got to know each other like normal people, that worked together and supported each other.

The Rings of Power, too, surprised me with Durin and Deesa. What was this, a married couple getting along happily and sweetly, relying on each other, supporting each other? Did my eyes deceive me?

What would Keefe and Fitz be like after the series is over? When the emotions aren’t running high and they’re not saving her from some fantastical threat again and again, would Sophie still see them as the kind of guys she’d want to spend the rest of her life with?

I cannot stress this enough. The purpose of dating/courting is marriage. Marriage is a lifelong partnership involving mutual covenant. It’s not about the feels. It’s not about the heart flutters. Those will falter and fluctuate as life and circumstances do. You’re not destined to be with him — you choose to. And you choose that over and over again, every day.

The man you should want is the one who shares that same commitment, to you, and to growing in the faith with you. A man like Adams’ Finnian, who always has your back and is your voice of reason. A man like Lawhead’s Llew, who is no victim, but earns and overcomes by grit, builds a secure life for you, and would sail to a cursed land to rescue you. A man like Wilson’s Rupert, who is strong in his faith, dedicated, protective, and fiercely loyal. A man like Durin, committed when you two are ‘in love’ and when you’re in normal day-to-day life. A man like Aragorn, who can lead you and protect you, who can manage responsibility and exercise self-government. A man like all of these, upright, steady, supportive, and unrelenting in his covenant. A rock, a leader, devoted to God, to you, and to your family. A man who leads by example, who can make the hard choices, who is stable and ready, who can handle conflict well and take charge.

We need more of those men in fiction, my friends. We also need better female characters. This issue goes the other way. Male MCs are looking for the one whose kiss ‘feels right,’ who puts hours of work into making herself ‘hot,’ or the one who makes them feel good because they’re constantly bumbling into some scenario to be rescued from. There’s nothing wrong with a rescue – it has its uses as a plot device of and of course reflects the man’s duty to protect. But seriously, guys, would you want to be married to a constant damsel-in-distress? Wouldn’t you prefer your wife to be a capable woman, someone like the wife of Proverbs 31, trustworthy, wise, and a hard worker? There’s a stark difference between a woman being strong within her role as the weaker vessel, and the girl that says, ‘I’m just the princess and everyone is here to serve me, because if I’m not happy then nobody will be.’

Girls, how is romantic idealism affecting you? What false images of the perfect man are you making in your head? Are you comparing yourself with the picture of the ideal female heroine? Where is your worth, in God, or in some guy? Aren’t you sick of seeing idiotic heroines completely abandon pursuing the villains or the plot goal (usually with world-affecting stakes) because of their boyfriend? Check your priorities, gals. What is entertainment telling you they should be? What does God say they should be? (Guys, these questions are for you too, of course, but as a woman, I’ll address myself primarily to the girls.)

Right now, the world is telling lies to teens. Poisonous lies. Lies that shatter marriages when the good feels go away. Lies that tell young people they must wait for their soulmate to wander by. Lies that say it’s alright to be dating early, and to be romantically involved before you’re married, and to misuse God’s gifts to man. Lies that say you have to be hot and popular to be loved by a guy, and that dating is just for fun and acceptable as early as the tween years.

Dark lies. Dark lies that need to be chased away with light.

Combat those lies, my friends. If you’re a Christian writer — especially if you’re writing romance — write some light into the masses of shadow that crowd the shelves of libraries and bookstores. Write men who aren’t perfect – because nobody is – but who as characters would be a Biblical match for your female character. Emphasize wisdom and commitment over infatuation. Write women who would be Godly wives and mothers, who know where their value is, and can keep their head screwed on straight around an attractive guy.

As well, keep the steamy stuff out of kids’ fiction. It doesn’t belong there. Spice, or smut, whichever you call it, doesn’t belong in any genre. It’s literary porn. Your characters are role models– what message are you trying to send your readers? That intense romantic relationships are okay during the middle grade and teen years? That you have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend as soon as you turn thirteen or else you’re not valuable? That relationships are all about the soaring emotions? Squash those lies. Smash them flat as a stepped-on bug.

Finally, make sure the relationships you portray are beautiful and edifying, not toxic.

Preserve the truth. Illuminate and chase away the darkness.

Have a good week, friends, and keep shining.